Wow! I can't even imagine that I deserve another award. I am honored and blessed by the things Jess http://allthelittleflowers.blogspot.com/ had to say about me. (Wish I knew how to add a link). Jess is a really sweet person with a fantastic family that cares about everyone. She and her husband Bill really inspire me. The past year I have really struggled with who I am and how to personally find God. They have great blogs that I visit daily. I guess now it is time for me to pass the award on. There are many rules to follow:

1. Put the logo on your blog.
2. Add a link to the person who awarded you.
3. Nominate at least seven other blogs. (I'm breaking the rules here and just picking one)
4. Add links to those blogs on your blog.
5. Leave a message for your nominee on their blog

I, like Jess am going to break rule number 3 and only nominate one blog. I have been very consumed in personal matters, but try to take the time daily for myself to check out my favorite blogs. The reason I have nominated the following person is because no matter what kind of a day I am having, I know I can click on this blog and there will be something to laugh about. I nominate:

The Dorn Family at lifeisgood4.blogspot.com/. I have known the Dorns most of my life and know they are FANTASTIC people. They have a great family and their blog is definitely something to check out. Hope you enjoy the award and and pass it on to another deserving blogger.

Thanks Jess for such an honor

Update

Yesterday I took my final in my clinical calculations class. The moment I turned my test in, I felt a huge relief lift off of my shoulders. I felt like I did fantastic.

My teacher called today to inform me that I got an A on the final. I cannot believe it. Not only did I do well on my final, but I am able to spend as much time with my mom as I want. I am so happy for my class to be over.

I also want to let everyone know about my mom. She has been in a little bit of pain the past day or so. When Hospice came in today we asked for some pain meds to alleviate the pain. She is finally resting peacefully. I have not seen her this at peace for months. Although it tugs at my heart, it fills me with joy at the same time. I am so glad to know she is comfortable right now. I will try to keep you updated as things change over the next few days. Thanks again for all your support!

I cant sleep. I am filled with guilt that I had to come home to find time to study for my final. I feel like I am in the wrong place right now. I want to be with my mom, but I HAVE to pass my final. I know this is what she would want me to do , but I still feel so guilty. If only I lived closer.

I left my mom at 5 pm and have had nothing but anxiety since then. I want to be there. I want to help take care of her. Thank God I have such a great family to care for her when I can't be there. I don't know what would have happened without my aunt Kathy and Leslie there to help make things run so smoothly. (Thank You)

Hospice has been called in. They tell us we are down to weeks verses months. I am numb to all of this. I just really don't know what to think at this point. I miss my mom. I know she is still here, but in all reality she is not. I miss her laugh, because she can barely smile now, I miss her humor, because she can barely talk, and I miss her being her. She has changed drastically in the past few day and it scares me to think that things can go down hill so quickly.

I had a conversation with my mom on Friday that I will never forget. I was feeding her dinner and she looked at me and said "You are getting Stronger". I asked her what she meant by that and she replied, "You don't cry anymore". I completely stopped in my tracks. I told her that I am starting to accept things. I guess I feel more at ease because I know where she is going. I know she will be in good hands. I also told her that it is okay. I have been told that it is important for them to know that you feel that way. I don't want to lose my mom, but I also hate the quality of life she has now....Zero!

I don't know what I will do when I get that dreaded phone call....I can't even fathom that at this time. Right now I know I have to be there and do what I can to make her comfortable. How? How do you do this when you are not really even comfortable yourself? I struggle with where I should be. It is so hard.

My mom got my brother and I very special gifts. They are beautiful wooden carved angels that say...

" Angels are always near to those who are grieving to whisper to them that their loved ones are safe in the hands of God"

These are the words now that keep me going. This gift shows you just what kind of woman my mother is. She is so special. Even in a time when she cannot lift her head or hardly speak a word she finds the time to let my brother and I know just how special we are to her. She is amazing!

I Love My Blogger FAMILY!!!!!

Never did I imagine that a blog would bring me so close to people. I LOVE my blogger family. You know who you are and you know what you did for me. From the bottom of my heart....

Thank You!

I am MAD!!!

(Last years Komen Race in STL)
As i sit here to write this post the more angry I get. I just want to scream, cry, throw myself on the ground and throw a fit like a child.
I am angry that I have not been able to be with my mom as much as I would like because 1. I am still in school and cannot miss. 2. I cannot not afford the gas prices in our area. I spent over $300 in gas last week alone. ONE WEEK. I have to pick and choose which days I can come and spend time with my mom around how much money we have in the bank for gas. I want to spend every moment with her, but it is not possible. 3. I miss my family. I have not seen my husband or son in 3 days. I know they understand and they know what is important right now, but I miss them.

My mom is 46 years old. She cannot shower by herself, eat, drink, sleep, or walk by herself. It is not fair. When I help her shower it breaks my heart. She is 46 with the body of an 80 year old woman. The cancer has literally aged her 40 years. I HATE CANCER!

I am selfish. I don't want my mom to go. Although at this point I know it will not happen, I want a miracle. I want my mom to watch my child(ren) grow up. I want to hear her voice everyday. I want her to watch me walk across the stage and be pinned. I want her to live!!!! I want her to be okay.

Sometimes i feel immoral...I feel this way because the tears don't come like they used to. I sit here and watch my mom waste away to nothing and have no emotion any more. I have become bitter. I do not want to be bitter. I need to learn to celebrate her life and the moments we have. It is just so hard.

(Easter 08)

Hello everyone. I am so sorry to not post something for such a long time, but I am sure you understand. Thank you Sarah for posting something last week for me. I really appreciate it.

My mom is hanging in there. She is such a fighter. She knows that there is nothing else for the doctors to do to help her, yet she continues to stay strong and focused. It is really hard to see her so weak and fragile, but I am glad I get to spend this time with her. She is an amazing person. I will continue to keep all of you posted on a more regular basis as my summer session of classes is winding down and I will get to spend more time over here. I thank all of you for your support and compassion for my family. Please continue to pray.

Mom Update

Hi Everyone,

I know it has been awhile since I have been able to give you an update. I have finally found a few minutes. There has really been no change in mom's condition besides being extremely weak and tired. She really has to be helped to do the littlest of tasks.

This past weekend the ENTIRE family went camping at Hickory Sh0res Resort in Carlyle. Our good friends Bruce and Bev Lewis were nice enough to pull their camper there so that my mom would be comfortable in her own camper. She was never alone and was able to spend time individually with sisters, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles as well as her children and grandchildren.

My Uncle Scott was kind enough to go around the campground and find a golf cart to rent out for the entire weekend so she did not have to walk. (That is very tiring for her) There was also a hammock there that she would lay in and sit back and watch all of the activity around her. One time when I was sitting beside her she told me she was just soaking it all in.

For some time now my mom told me how she would give anything to visit the beach again. Well on Saturday we took her to the beach. We set up her hammock and an awning on the sand and she was able to watch the sailboats and the waves crash on the sand. Although it was not the ocean, it was something I will never forget.

The weekend wore her out, but I know that it is something that everyone in my family will forever remember.

It is really hard to see her so helpless, but I cherish the fact that I am able to spend this time with her right now. Thank you for continuing to pray for her. I will try not to stay out of the loop so long next time.

Thanks for the Love

Thank you Tracie for the Bloggy-Love award. I appreciate it so much. I now have to pass this special award on to someone else.

After much thought I have decided to pass this prestigious award on to.... Jamee at www.letmetellyasomething.blogspot.com. Jamee has been a friend of mine since the fourth grade. We lived across the street from each other for years and basically grew up together. I have not been in touch with Jamee for a few years now and regret every bit of time that has passed and the things I have missed out on.

I have not been able to watch her kids grow up, or seen her achieve all that she has in the past several years.

Jamee has always been an inspiration to me. She has always let me know when I was wrong, helped me achieve my goals, and been my shoulder when I needed one to cry on.

I really miss Jamee and hope to one day regain the friendship I so cherish.

So Jamee, it is now up to you to pass on this award.

Tracie thanks again for the LOVE!

To My Stepdad

Mike:

You are an amazing person. I cannot express to you how much I appreciate all that you have done for my mom. You have been a rock and the support she needed to make it this far. I am so glad that you both found each other and were able to have at least a few great years together. I am not sure what she would have done without you. You have been so positive through this entire process. You make her comfortable, you love her, you appreciate her. For that I am so thankful.

You have let her live life for the past year and a half like she never has before. Even though you are a Cubs fan you have taken her to see as many Cardinal games as she could stand. (I am still glad I got to see you in a Cardinal hat!)

There are really no words for me to express to you how much I love you! Thank you for being so strong and loving my mom unconditionally.

Love
Amanda

Thank you to all of my fellow bloggers.

To my blogger family:

It is amazing how you can become close to people you know and some that you have never even met. When I started blogging I thought it would just be a way for me to keep my family up to date on things that were happening in our lives. I never would have thought that I would become friends with so many wonderful people and catch up with people I have not seen in years.

I want to express to you what it means to receive all the well wishes and support for my family in the past few months. I am so grateful for all of the prayer chains that I have seen on blogs. It means so much. I am not sure if my mom has been able to look at them all, but I have told her about them and she is so grateful. For those of you who would like to look at the prayer chains please check out the following:
http://letmetellyasomething.blogspot.net,
http://christinagblogspot.blogspot.com/
http://gosnellfamily.blogspot.com/
http://sarahsplayground1.blogspot.com/
http://coffeewiththecrains.blogspot.com/
http://allthelittleflowers.blogspot.com/
http://mustlovetots.blogspot.com/

I also would like to thank all of you who have left such warm messages on my blog. It really means the world. This is such a difficult time, but to be honest reading all the thoughts really helps to ease some of the pain.

Thank you again

Amanda