(Last years Komen Race in STL)As i sit here to write this post the more angry I get. I just want to scream, cry, throw myself on the ground and throw a fit like a child.
I am angry that I have not been able to be with my mom as much as I would like because 1. I am still in school and cannot miss. 2. I cannot not afford the gas prices in our area. I spent over $300 in gas last week alone. ONE WEEK. I have to pick and choose which days I can come and spend time with my mom around how much money we have in the bank for gas. I want to spend every moment with her, but it is not possible. 3. I miss my family. I have not seen my husband or son in 3 days. I know they understand and they know what is important right now, but I miss them.
My mom is 46 years old. She cannot shower by herself, eat, drink, sleep, or walk by herself. It is not fair. When I help her shower it breaks my heart. She is 46 with the body of an 80 year old woman. The cancer has literally aged her 40 years. I HATE CANCER!
I am selfish. I don't want my mom to go. Although at this point I know it will not happen, I want a miracle. I want my mom to watch my child(ren) grow up. I want to hear her voice everyday. I want her to watch me walk across the stage and be pinned. I want her to live!!!! I want her to be okay.
Sometimes i feel immoral...I feel this way because the tears don't come like they used to. I sit here and watch my mom waste away to nothing and have no emotion any more. I have become bitter. I do not want to be bitter. I need to learn to celebrate her life and the moments we have. It is just so hard.
9 comments:
Amanda,
I sent you an e-mail. I need your address please.
Let me help.
Let us all help you.
Sarah
Oh Amanda.. I am so sorry for the pain you are going through right now.. And your mom of all people.
I know we get mad at our mom's from time to time..but they are so important to us, and they are always needed.. regardless.
Please try to cry/break down.. I know it won't change anything, but it may get a little weight off your chest.
As much as I know you and your mom want to be together right now.. I know in my heart that your schooling means so much to your mom. And I also know she couldn't be any prouder of you.
Just wish the school could cut you some slack, and change some rules for you at this time.
I know God does not give us more than we can handle, even though we find ourselves asking, WHYME??
PLease hang in there.. You have many many people praying for you and your family.
God Bless You!!
Amanda,
I wish there was something I could say or do to help you through this horrible time! I don't know how you feel although I am feeling your pain. We continue to pray that God gives your mom that miracle she needs. Please stay strong. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family always!
Jessica
It is okay to be angry. And it's even okay to be bitter. It doesn't mean you care any less. It's just the cycle of emotions that you will go through - probably more than once. You are not being selfish. You want what is fair. Cancer is not fair. Losing your mom is not fair to your family and the pain she is going through is definitely not fair to her.
I think running out of tears is normal. Been there... I felt so guilty... but the tears come back, I promise.
Keep hanging in there. We will keep praying for you guys.
Oh, Amanda. I'm crying for you. Be angry. Yell. Scream. It won't change things but you'll feel a *little* better afterwards. I am still praying for you and for your mom. Cancer just needs to go the hell away. Seriously.
Amanda, I am so sorry for you. Know that we are praying that God will comfort you in these hours and I know that he is holding you in his hands. Draw on the strength that he gives you and know that we are all here for you.
Amanda: I am not sure what to say, eventhough I was just in your shoes 5 short months ago. Nothing makes it ok, or makes it go away, but I wanted you to know that my family and I are thinking of your mom and your family.
Samantha Cummins Herdes
I don't know what to say, but I am thinking about you.
Hello there. I know that you don't know me and I don't know you. I came across your blog through Sarah's. I just read your post and had tears in my eyes. I am so sorry about this terrible thing happening to you and your family. I have lost several family and friends from cancer. I hate it too. I am going to pray for you and your family. Take care.
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