I cant sleep. I am filled with guilt that I had to come home to find time to study for my final. I feel like I am in the wrong place right now. I want to be with my mom, but I HAVE to pass my final. I know this is what she would want me to do , but I still feel so guilty. If only I lived closer.
I left my mom at 5 pm and have had nothing but anxiety since then. I want to be there. I want to help take care of her. Thank God I have such a great family to care for her when I can't be there. I don't know what would have happened without my aunt Kathy and Leslie there to help make things run so smoothly. (Thank You)
Hospice has been called in. They tell us we are down to weeks verses months. I am numb to all of this. I just really don't know what to think at this point. I miss my mom. I know she is still here, but in all reality she is not. I miss her laugh, because she can barely smile now, I miss her humor, because she can barely talk, and I miss her being her. She has changed drastically in the past few day and it scares me to think that things can go down hill so quickly.
I had a conversation with my mom on Friday that I will never forget. I was feeding her dinner and she looked at me and said "You are getting Stronger". I asked her what she meant by that and she replied, "You don't cry anymore". I completely stopped in my tracks. I told her that I am starting to accept things. I guess I feel more at ease because I know where she is going. I know she will be in good hands. I also told her that it is okay. I have been told that it is important for them to know that you feel that way. I don't want to lose my mom, but I also hate the quality of life she has now....Zero!
I don't know what I will do when I get that dreaded phone call....I can't even fathom that at this time. Right now I know I have to be there and do what I can to make her comfortable. How? How do you do this when you are not really even comfortable yourself? I struggle with where I should be. It is so hard.
My mom got my brother and I very special gifts. They are beautiful wooden carved angels that say...
" Angels are always near to those who are grieving to whisper to them that their loved ones are safe in the hands of God"
These are the words now that keep me going. This gift shows you just what kind of woman my mother is. She is so special. Even in a time when she cannot lift her head or hardly speak a word she finds the time to let my brother and I know just how special we are to her. She is amazing!
6 comments:
It is okay to not be okay. Does that make sense? You are entitled to every feeling you are having. And, I assure you that the numbness will go away. Stay strong for your mom. She needs your strength to accept the cards she's been dealt.
Have you talked to your instructors? Maybe they can work something out that you could be home w/ your mom more and find a way for you to take the final w/o being there. I don't know - just a suggestion.
I wish I had some encouraging words, but as I've recently learned, there really are no words to make it better. Just know that there are a lot of people that wish they could come up with the pefect words to encourage you.
Just wanted you and your family know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Leslie Kocher
OH Amanda. I'm just so heartbroken for you. I wish I could do more for you and your mom. And if you ever need anything, to vent or scream or to just be, you have my number. It's good anytime. And I agree with Christina, maybe your instructors would understand. In the meantime, keep us posted.
We continue to have your Mom as well as your entire family in our prayers.
when my father was at home with hospice, I spent a week with him and it was great for both of us. I too had come to accept the he was leaving, and I told him that I was proud of him for battling for 18 months, but was ok for him to let go, I understood. It was the hardest thing to do but I had made my peace with it. 2 weeks later he passed.
I found you through Midwest Mommy and Must Love tots.
Keep Hanging in there. Congratulations on your final, that is awesome!
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